Somethings Never Change, like the questions Moms ask their kids. Too bad we didn’t have the answers when she asked.
Don’t Walk Away When I’m Talking to You
Have to admit, it’s one of our lesser qualities. If Mom doesn’t nip this one in the bud, we will likely become that incredibly rude sort who hangs up on people. We don’t want that. It’s a variation on, “Look at me when I talk to you.”
What Did I Just Tell You?
It sounds like an important part of a hearing test, but Mom — no audiologist, she — doesn’t really want us to repeat what she just said. She has this fantasy, poor woman, that by repeating her instructions, we will carry them out. Not likely.
Do I Look Like a Bank to You?
A trick question. Of course Mom doesn’t look like a bank. Sometimes she looks like a prison matron and sometimes like an Avenging Angel, but bank? Nope. Her question is usually asked in response to our question: Can I have five bucks? It’s interesting that in more instances than not, her delaying tactic means we’re going to get the five bucks.
Well, Where Did You Leave It Last?
Not one of her better questions. If we knew where we last left it, we wouldn’t be looking for it, now would we? For all we know, it’s a training exercise and no, it’s not designed to make us more responsible with our stuff; it’s designed so in the future, we won’t announce, “I lost it,” in her presence.
How Do You Know You Don’t Like It If You Haven’t Tried It?
Usually delivered at the supper table when our plates get a spoonful of something that looks, smells, or acts funny on the plate. Trust us on this one, Mom. We know what we like and we know what we don’t. See: George Bush and broccoli.
You What?
Whatever it was, it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Get in Here This Minute!
Geez, Mom, it’s not as if we were the only person who could defuse a bomb in the living room, or perform a tracheotomy on our sister, or talk Dad out of buying new golf clubs. And on obeying, we quickly find out this minute is pretty much like the next.
Why Did We Buy It If You’re Never Going To Play With It?
One of many questions for which we have no answer, although playing with it — at the time — seemed to be more important than food, water and shelter. In addition, it was our first lesson in the wily and seductive ways of advertisers.
Don’t Pick At It!
Few activities are as fascinating as picking at scabs. Mom often adds her prognosis, i.e., it will become infected. That has not been our experience. Too bad that disobeying this directive leaves plenty of forensic evidence, so, denying the activity with a heartfelt, if bald-faced lie, “I didn’t do it,” doesn’t work here.
Why? Because I Said So, That’s Why!
While it seems a confusing answer at the time, it is only the first time we will hear it. The same line, with minor variations, will be delivered to us from: Traffic cops, IRS auditors, auto mechanics, credit card companies, and spouses. By the way, the confusion never fades away.
How Many Times Do I Have To Tell You?
Another trick question. Do not answer. How could you know if the second or third or fourth time will inspire you? That’s right. You don’t. And if you are silent for a moment, Mom will get to the heart of the matter.
Don’t Throw It Away; You Can Wear It With a Sweater
This is the second volley. The first came when she first saw the damage to the shirt.
What Do You Think I Am, Your Maid?
Mom is not offering a service in addition to laundry and meals. So instead of crossing one’s arms and looking to the sky and making this sound, “Hmmm-m-m-m,” the wise among us will quickly answer, “No,” or even better, “Of course not, Mom.”
Do You Think I Was Born Yesterday?
Aside from the physical impossibility, most of us had no idea when Mom was born. All we knew was she was always there. Like right now.
Now tell me what really happened.
This is where Mom assumes the personality of the “bad cop” in the “good cop-bad cop” scenario. It is clear she knows our most current explanation.
And Just Who Do You Think You Are?
Used when we take the lion’s share of the popcorn, or backhand our little brother. While there is no right answer, among the wrong answers is, “You don’t know?”
I Don’t Care Who Started It.
Our first introduction to moot court. The wise child sees it as a free pass to start anything he likes.
And just where do you think you’re going, young man?
Not that it makes any difference, because it’s clear no matter where we were going, we’re not going now.
